Anime Baby Names
By Steve Diabo (Kaneda) and Adam "OMEGA" Arnold
So there's a baby on the way? Congratulations! We know you'll do your best to give your child all the love and treatment he or she'll need to grow to be a well-adjusted, responsible person... Including giving him or her a name they won't make fun of at school. But what you might not know is that different names entail different personality quirks and attitudes. Yes, indeedy, choosing a name for your child is something so crucually important, so significantly influencial, so frickin' hard... that it will affect your child and the way he or she perceives the world for a lifetime. You'll want to choose a name that is honorable... you'll want to choose a name that will bring success and prosperity... you'll want to choose a name that will make you so proud that it brings a tear to your eye at the very sound... you'll wanna name him or her after your favorite anime character, of course! So, all you spunky young couples out there, submitted for your approval is a list of 20 popular anime names that you're sure to find most essential. Have fun, and choose carefully!
If you found your son in a space ship on your way home to your farm right before a bad snowstorm hit... (Wait, that's not right...) If you found your son in a space ship on your way back to your shack down by the river and he just happens to have a tail, then Goku is the perfect name. He'll grow up to yell, grunt, and scream a lot. All the while he will pummel big dinosaurs, nasty aliens, robots, and whatever else happens to threaten the Earth right after he has trained for five months worth of episodes to become stronger than the villain.
Young, brash, and handsome, your little bundle of joy will grow to become a hardened man who will stop at nothing to achieve his goals. Strangely, he'll make friends easily, but will probably end up running away and trying to self-detonate when things get hairy. He'll even find true love, but he'll probably refuse to cave in to it since he wants to spend more time with the boys.
A fine name, sure to help mold a fine young man. The benefits of a name like Keiichi might not manifest themselves right away, but once young Keiichi hits those college years, something wonderful is just bound to happen... and he'll already have the sidecar on his motorbike to accommodate it! You're sure to be proud of your little Keiichi when you pay a visit to his temple and meet his darling little girlfriend... and her live-in sisters. Just don't let him order take-out food for you.
Wish you had a girl? Naming your son Ranma won't turn him into a girl, but it's a start. Then, one Christmas, tell him his new bike is sitting in the bottom of a certain hot springs in China. Not only will your Ranma participate in town-wide pursuits of small, perverted old men, but he'll acquire a mastery of all kinds of martial arts -- even the more obscure ones that really don't help you with anything at all whatsoever. When he's in the shower, cut off the hot water for some gender-bending fun! But alas, when something seems too good to be true, it probably is. His oddball sexual experiences will leave his love life forlorn, and he'll be constantly getting into trouble with all kinds of special interest groups.
Name your kid Satoshi and you'll find yourself allowing him to leave the house at age 10 and chasing after freaky little monsters in the woods. Yeah, nice parenting. Plus, Nintendo of America will rename your son after a friggin' tree. Be sure to buy him his own bike.
For the child that is not wanted, Shinji makes for the perfect name. Not only will he stand in the corner of the room motionless for six hours... he will constantly stutter out "I mustn't run away... I mustn't run away... I MUSTN'T RUN AWAY!!!" until he finally screams out in pain and rips apart whatever it is that has made him so scared and scarfs it down like a thanksgiving turkey. Needless to say, it makes for great entertainment. When you grow tired of little Shinji, just dump him with his uncle and move to Tokyo-3 and get a nice government job.
He'll just be walking down the street and girls will starts chasing after him, shrieking, "TAMAHOME!!!! TAAAMAAAHOOOME!!!!!!!! YEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" Young Tamahome will become an excellent sprinter.
The name Tenchi is always a wise choice, as your child will grow well disciplined and well adjusted. You'll have a hard time keeping him from sweeping your temple stairs and doing the dishes! And did you have girl problems as a youngun (i.e., couldn't get any?) Well, name your baby boy Tenchi and you can kiss girl trouble goodbye, as your son will never have a problem getting a date! (As long as he doesn't mind that she's not from Earth...) Not only will your little Tenchi sport a stylish little ponytail, but he'll hang out with all the right groups of youngsters: Juraians, mad scientists, space pirates... Wastoids and nerds need not apply!
An underachiever and proud of it! He may not have the coolest bike in town, but your little Tetsuo will more-than-make-up for his lack of riding ability by tearing up the streets and splattering folks' brains all over the sidewalks. Just make sure he has plenty of pills to pop because he might go berserk and turn into a giant tumor the size of an Olympic stadium.
Young Yota will be a sight to behold indeed: Young, vibrant, and full of energy... Just make sure he pays all his overdue fees at the video store. True, your little Yota won't be the smoothest with the ladies, but his unfortunate condition and affinity for fine cinematica will fall on compassionate eyes... and he'll wish he took that damn VCR to get fixed long ago.
Why not name your little girl Asuka? Why, it practically GUARANTEES well-behavedness and well-adjustedness. You can expect Asuka to do extremely well in school and excel at an early age, but she may become a bit of an overachiever and begin to ask too much of herself... So once she gets her college degree, dump her in a high school just so she can "socialize." Guys will immediately begin to love her so much they'll take pictures of her and love them instead! As a fun little experiment, try this: Lock little Asuka in her room and play Beethoven's Ode to Joy through her door. You'll be quite surprised by the reaction! WARNING: Do not leave your little Asuka unattended in a hospital room with a young boy named Shinji.
Lina is a terrific name for a young girl for so many reasons. Your little girl will be brave, self-sufficient, and quite the entrepreneur! Before you know it, she'll be roaming the neighborhood kicking the asses of bumbling thieves everywhere. But with the good news comes bad -- where most children get in trouble with apartment superintendents for accidentally breaking windows, little Lina is likely to get in trouble with apartment superintendents for accidentally demolishing whole condominiums... But hey, "that's our Lina!" As a parent, be sure to encourage perseverance and a fighting spirit -- and discourage breast envy, ESPECIALLY if she chances to make friends with a young girl named Naga.
Though your little girl will go about her life as if she were a normal girl, she will soon learn that she is destined to be a human sacrifice. But she'll figure out a way to survive and make the most of her troubled life while screwing up others. She'll fall in love with a plant and try to be an independent girl. Just be sure she has some clean underwear -- she'll need it since she'll be showing it off most of the time. You know, the little girl type... with the funny animals on them?
The name Naga presents an interesting package of qualities and endowments for your little girl; both good yet bad, beneficial yet detrimental, firm yet bouncy... Among the benefits: Your child is guaranteed NEVER to ask for breast implants! (Refreshing news in a world where females are constantly pressured to demean themselves sexually...) Though you may require custom-made bibs in her infancy, you will discover in later years that young Naga will become a smash hit with the males in high school... especially the male teachers. On a more unfortunate note, we've heard rumors (and these are just rumors) that little girls named Naga might be a touch obnoxious. Furthermore, parents of girls named Naga who are in their adolescent years have reported that she melted their entire collection of Bachman Turner Overdrive record albums to make herself outfits... and that she can't leave a bowling alley without getting accused of shoplifting.
If cars and guns are your thing, naming your baby girl Rally is sure to help some of it rub off on her. Who knows what the future holds for bright young Rally? Possibly her very own gun shop/lemonade stand on the front lawn? Maybe you could surprise her with a fully restored '67 Shelby GT 500 on her 12th birthday... now there's a birthday she won't soon forget! Of course, even if she can't get her hands on a set of wheels as legendary as a GT 500, young Rally will treat her ride with tender loving care... bondo-ing up those bullet holes, banging the fender back into shape after flipping the car off an overpass, replacing a spark plug after getting the car blown up by gun-running terrorists... little Rally's life is destined to be action-packed! As a parent, be sure to warn young Rally about the dangers of drugs... especially those being handed out by female Italian mob bosses.
When it comes to in-vitro fertilizations, the name Ruri is a perfect fit. Not only will your lovely little test tube girl grow up to be a pretty, petite young lady, but she will also be gifted with above-average intelligence, a knack for learning new things, and best yet, she'll be a real people person (though the word 'baka' will be frequently used when referring to people). Yes, name your baby girl Ruri and you will be assured your family name will be forever associated with greatness. Just remember to make her into the best child possible... you can't show any sign of hostility towards the child or you will forever damage Ruri's personality. Just donate your cells and science will do the rest because normal parents just won't do for young Ruri.
Such an adorable little name for such an adorable little girl! Your little Sakura will be an active kid who loves sports and tries very hard at school. But, she'll accidentally unleash great evils into the world and be forced to prance around at night in weird costumes trying to capture cards. You'll even hear her talking to herself and blaming it on a stuffed animal if you inquire about a second voice. If you hear about her pictures being posted on the net, don't freak out... it's just her friend playing a prank.
This very special name is reserved for the very special kind of girl that gets left in the woods by their parents. Fear not, though -- she'll grow up just fine with a little help from her furry friends! She'll have fun cruising around on the back of giant wolves and loathing all humankind, and she'll have a blast getting blasted by armed lephyrs. Forget Britney Spears... Little San can make her own spears! And who knows... a young man from the east with one HELL of a scar on his arm could be all it takes for true love to blossom. And when she sucks blood from an open wound, adorable young San is sure to be the life of any Tupperware party.
The perfect name for any girl who's a reincarnated Moon Princess with a strange knack for shopping, binge eating, wearing skimpy sailor suits and shouting weird English words. She'll be an early bloomer and attract good-looking guys that are considerably older than her, but at the same time she'll fail all her tests in school and cry a lot. Oh, and chances are she won't be able to cook anything that isn't lethal to the senses. She'll be able to make lots of friends, but everyone she knows will be put in danger by some weird looking monster that's a vacuum cleaner or something, looking to steal peoples energy, heart crystal, or some other crap.
A revolutionary name for a real prince of a girl. Poor Utena will have a hard time dealing with deaths in the family, so be sure to dish out a lot of support and be the best parent you can be, and you know what that means... No public school for little Utena! A good, well-funded private school will provide a nurturing environment for little Utena and she will learn a lot about herself and make plenty of real swell friends... She might even get engaged! There's no arguing who the groom is in the future wedding!